Vulnerability

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.” CS Lewis said that. I can’t blame my difficulties with relationships on being adopted. I struggle because I am human. My character, my experiences and my own sinful nature have combined to form someone who doesn’t find it easy to love and to be loved. My parents told me that my biological mother (a relative of my adoptive parents) loved me so much that she gave me away. Yes, yes – they meant well. The poor girl was a teenager and I was the result of a violent rape. But this is what I heard: to love is to give away. To love is to abandon. 

I know it isn’t true. I must be vulnerable. I must be brave. To push people away because of fear is foolish. I must believe this: that the story of my birth does not make me unworthy of love. And there is one more thing I need to remember: I am not always in control over what happens. Love cannot be forced, I tell myself. A relationship is not a vehicle you can drive in the direction you choose. 

Whoever gets me, gets a whole bucketload of issues as part of the deal. No wonder I sit alone all day in my workshop with only my tools and an old chair for company. I was hurt and I don’t want to be hurt again. No wonder I go home to write things like this to send out into the great dark void of the internet, my thoughts hidden from the people who are actually in my life. Sometimes it just feels safer this way.  

Posted by: Barnaby